I’m in this weird relationship limbo. Again, not going to get into the details of what was said and decided this weekend, but those that I did give details to have said that the whole thing is like a John Cusack romantic comedy, and the friend of mine who knew him and introduced us said “I believe in O. I do.” There were promises made, ones that I believe because my heart is telling me that I should and that little voice that I usually get in my head that I ignore, the one that whispers “You’re being a fool”, well, that voice is non-existant this time.

Technically, I’m single. If the world were like Facebook and you could explain your relationship status with other words, I’d choose “it’s complicated”, but the world isn’t the internets, so, I’m single. But it’s wasted on me. Last night, there was a mighty fine looking Italian man with beautiful blue eyes who was talking to me, and I didn’t care.

I figure that, no, I’m not waiting with baited breath for him to come back and for this to turn into a relationship that isn’t based on when we can coordinate time zones and work schedules and shitty internet connections. I’m not waiting for him. So, when I met the adorable 26 year old guy who just got out of the Army and he not only asked me for my number but also called me and then came to hang out with all of my friends before asking me out on a real date for Friday night, I had to try. I had to try to be interested. And I did try, I accepted his invitiation and responded to his texts yesterday and this afternoon… but I don’t think I’ll be able to go through with the date. I’m just not ready and it would be a rebound because, well, there’s other factors that are telling me that the Army guy would never end up being a real thing anyway.

So I’m not waiting for him. At this point, I’m accepting that he’s the tragic love affair of my life because he’s amazing and it’s amazing when we’re together but he’s in Brazil right now and I’m on my couch in Pittsburgh. It’s impractical, but love will overtake practicality if it’s meant to be. I guess I’m waiting for that.

My best friend who has told me she doesn’t think I should ever let him go gave me the best advice of anyone so far, which was this: Yes, you’re going to compare every man to him from now on. But eventually, you’ll meet someone who he can’t compare to.

I have to hold onto that.

I can’t defend my decision to spend most of the weekend with O, but I don’t regret it and I’d do it again.

There were a lot of things that were said. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of crying and I dare say some sobbing - from both sides.

No one knows what is happening and has happened between me and O except for me and O, and I’m not going to get into details about any decisions or conclusions we came to and the beautiful things that were said. But suffice it to say it’s not over. And it’s in a much more honest and realistic place now.

There’s love here. He found it.

And I can’t regret that. I won’t.

So I got myself all pumped to work 60 hours this week and right before I was supposed to wake up this morning, work called and cancelled me. Meaning they didn’t need me enough to pay me time and a half plus $10 an hour to work today.

So much for my awesome paycheck.

O is on his way to town. We had a nice talk last night, one that was honest and a little sad because I don’t think he realizes how much my feelings toward him have changed. How I’ll never trust him and my eyes won’t sparkle when I look at him anymore. How my heart once felt too big for my body but now feels like a big empty space.

He’s asked me to call off and spend all day with him on Sunday. He said he wants to celebrate my birthday early with me and said that Saturday he’s going to spend the day trying to find me something nice and shiny because he wants to take his time and find something perfect.

I don’t know how I’m going to react to all this, and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it, but I’m supposed to meed him at 5 pm tonight for dinner and a drink. And he asked me to stay with him tonight so I’m taking my work clothes with me. I know I said I wanted to look at him and tell him he can’t have me, that he’s ruined everything and that this isn’t enough for me… but I can’t.

I’m weak. I miss him, well, the him I thought he was. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this man that I don’t really know, but I can’t not go. I have to or I’ll regret it.

Wish me luck.

* I was supposed to go get weighed today, but I don’t feel like driving all the way to Monroeville to do it. I’m still losing weight, rest assured, but the official tally will have to wait until Monday since that’s my next day off.

* My new cell phone is arriving today. I am anxiously awaiting.

* Have I mentioned my new couch? Fro and the future sister-in-law bought a new couch for her place and, as I love her taste in everything, I eagerly accepted her old citrus-ish green couch. Doesn’t go so well with the ugly mustard yellow walls that Fro painted, but that, too, will be taken care of shortly.

* O and I have pretty much fallen right back into everything we were before he broke up with me, only we’re not making plans and he’s telling me that he’s jealous of whatever guy I’m telling him I’m talking to. He’s also asked me to spend a week with him, which I suppose would be making plans. He’s so confusing. I told him that I wouldn’t be going through any great lengths to spend time with him so if he wants to see me, he’s going to have to come to Pittsburgh. To which he said “OK”. I also told him he should remember to buy me something for my birthday, something that is shiny and says ‘I’m sorry I’m a giant douche bag, and I hope you still have this when I come crawling back to you’. He said “OK”.

Seriously, what the fuck?

I know. Get over it. It’s unhealthy.

I don’t care.

* Work was stressful yesterday, one of those days that broke my heart so I had to cry in the bathroom a few times. Great way to start a 60 hour work week.

* Any and all Christopher Guest movies = awesome. I am currently watching “Best of Show” and later, I’m planning on “For Your Considertion”.

* I know most people would probably like it to be a bet warmer, but the temperature today is ideal for me. I love spring in this city.

I bought a new cell phone. Yes, I know. I’m retarded. But T-Mobile was having a special free upgrade thing that ended tomorrow, and I had a moment of weakness. It’s my birthday gift to myself. It’s fine.

I’m losing my mind, I’m finding it very, very difficult not to communicate with O every day, and I know I need to stop that. I’m trying so hard to keep my head around this, but my heart’s going to let it get away from me. I know it.

I had a few totally random thoughts today…

1. Why is it assumed that lettuce has to be the main ingredient in a salad? Today, I had more celery than lettuce, so my salad consisted of mostly celery. Why did I think that was so odd?

2. Why can you buy 20 oz and 1 liter bottles of water, but you can’t buy 2 liter bottles? And if it’s weird to have a 2 liter bottle of water, then why isn’t it weird to have a 20 oz bottle or a 1 liter bottle?

3. Why did I have to talk myself out of buying a pizza for dinner in order to reward myself for surviving another day and to prepare myself for the shit week I have ahead of me, yet I felt guilty after I ate two Smart Ones, a salad, and a bag of light microwave popcorn today? I didn’t get the pizza. Weigh in is on Wednesday. I’ll keep ya posted.

4. Why is my life becoming a time warp to 2004? Seriously? Details will come, but seriously? All these people that had slowly disappeared are now popping back up. Odd.

All that being said, I’m going to go back to watching my House marathon until inspiration strikes me. Or until family Guy starts at 9.