Alive and Well Written on February 21, 2009, by Jen.
Just wanted to write something really quickly to let you all know I’m alive and everything is going shockingly well.
I just got a new lap top (yay!) so I’ll probably be more apt to write now. I’ve missed it, and I hope that I can pick up where I left off as much as I hope that people are actually still reading this.
Read more from the Ramblings category. If you would like to leave a comment, click here: 2 Comments. or stay up to date with this post via RSS
Social Bookmark :
Technorati,
Digg,
de.licio.us,
Yahoo,
Blinkbits,
Blogmarks,
Google,
Magnolia.
Observations Written on December 13, 2008, by Jen.
I tend to jump to absolutes pretty quickly. I’m very black and white, very all or nothing, and when something remains gray for too long, it really ends up driving me insane.
I don’t really know how to explain the way I’ve felt the past few days. Numb? Exhausted? Drained? Apathetic? I know I haven’t had a strong emotion, and I should have had more than one. Angry is the one that I wish I could feel, but it’s all I can do to muster up a slight inkling of disappointment. And, admittedly, I’ve been the girl who cries this year, and I haven’t been able to work up a single tear.
I’m tired. I have no fight left in me. It’s an odd feeling, I’m usually too full of emotion but, now, I don’t think I have enough.
It’s not so much the resolution of the situation that matters to me as much as how I allowed myself to sit back and just take it, especially after all my heart has been through this year. Everything I now see as deceitful, and slightly manipulative, I let happen.
Excuse me for being intentionally vague.
Read more from the Men, Things That Make Me Sad category. If you would like to leave a comment, click here: 1 Comment. or stay up to date with this post via RSS
Social Bookmark :
Technorati,
Digg,
de.licio.us,
Yahoo,
Blinkbits,
Blogmarks,
Google,
Magnolia.
2008 - the year that kicked my ass Written on December 10, 2008, by Jen.
I have been thinking a lot about this past year and was originally planning on doing a very self-punishing re-reading of everything I wrote since January so I could reflect on how happy I was when 2008 started, how miserable I was in the middle, and how disgustingly numb and jaded I am now; however, I don’t think in my current state of mind that going back and reading about all that will do anything good for me, and I have a lot of happy things coming up this week and I would rather be fun during these events than crying.
So. Instead, I have forced myself to think about what I have learned this year. Initially, I didn’t think I learned anything, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized this was incorrect.
1. I am a hopeless romantic, and that needs to stop. I thrive on “grand gestures” and the feelings that develop between two people in a seemingly hopeless situation, but at the end of the day, hopeless is still hopeless and the hours that he’s driven to see me, the get aways, the roses, the stupid idea that I have developed a true connection with someone… these things all don’t matter for shit. At some point, having a relationship has become a choice. Do I continue to do what I want to do for myself, or do I keep leaving it all negotiable if the right person comes along? I’m picking me. I have been completely shattered once this year, disappointed more times than I can count, and it’s all left me numb and completely drained. Game over. You win.
2. Money isn’t a problem anymore when you are willing to work overtime and get a second job. Getting a second job was the best thing I did all year because it showed me that I can survive and am sometimes happier when I work 6 days a week.
3. Going back to school is most definately my priority in 2009. I am thrilled that I stumbled across the program, that my interview went so well, and that the director of the program seems genuinely interested in my being involved in it.
4. The girls I met at work have become a major part of my life, and that in and of itself makes this year worth living again.
5. True friends don’t care how long its been since you’ve seen them and don’t ask for an explanation why its been so long since you’ve been in touch. When you finally do get to talking, they are happy to catch up and say “I love you, and I missed you”. They don’t do passive aggressive things to attempt to get your attention. I’ve reconnected with several people over the past few months, and it’s been a great time.
6. Come to think of it, passive aggressive things are retarded. I am extremely guilty of this myself, especially since May, and I am vowing to no longer do that and will from now on try my best to be totally straight-forward.
7. People are very capable of faking emotions, whereas I am not. Although I kind of already think I’m too guarded, perhaps I need to stop buying into things with all my heart before really given a reason to believe them.
8. I love to cook, and I am pretty good at it.
9. While I know I need a vacation and will not be getting one for a long time, sometimes I just need a drive up Route 8 to Cranberry with my radio blaring and a minor bargain shopping spree. This does wonders for my sanity, and on these days, I am content with being totally alone.
10. I have finally made my place a home for me. And I love it. It is wonderful to be able to say that.
All in all, maybe everything hasn’t been shit after all.
Read more from the Friends, He's Just Not That Into You, Lists, Men, My Girls, Pondering category. If you would like to leave a comment, click here: Comment. or stay up to date with this post via RSS
Social Bookmark :
Technorati,
Digg,
de.licio.us,
Yahoo,
Blinkbits,
Blogmarks,
Google,
Magnolia.
mob Written on November 29, 2008, by Jen.
I am not going to go into details on the internet for many, many reasons, but it always amazes me how things I once agonized over end up working themselves out, how years and years later I get an explanation that wasn’t solicited and a true discussion and understanding about why things are the way they are. And the surprise of learning that things are not what I always assumed.
It was a nice sort of closure to something - ok, someone - I agonized over several times in my life and things have degenerated into a weird sort of mutual respect and understanding of sorts. Something that I guess happens when both parties are a little more grown up.
Maybe.
Read more from the Men category. If you would like to leave a comment, click here: Comment. or stay up to date with this post via RSS
Social Bookmark :
Technorati,
Digg,
de.licio.us,
Yahoo,
Blinkbits,
Blogmarks,
Google,
Magnolia.
O: One year later Written on November 26, 2008, by Jen.
Sunday marked one year to the day that I first crossed the friendship line with O. I remember the date because it was the Friday after Thanksgiving last year. Also, because once things got “serious” and he said he was moving here in January, I drew a little heart around the date in my planner, since I am a big sappy romantic at heart. (Note - I always love January because I get to start using my new yearly planner, and this year I bought the most awesomest one from Etsy.com called “An Artful Agenda” and it makes me all fuzzy inside to look at it’s clean, crisp empty pages. This year I am looking forward to having a planner than does not have premature birthdays and a January - May section that I can look back on to see just how foolishly optimistic and then ridiculously retarded I was.)
I assumed that I’d be a wreck on Sunday night, especially when I couldn’t recruit anyone to join me at the bar as early as I wanted to go… I was at Starbucks at 6 and ended up being alone at the bar by 7. Well, I told myself, this is exactly how you started this day off a year ago and look what happened. I knew someone would come through for me eventually, and not only did my awesome friends remind me why I love them, I also made new ones.
By the time 10 pm rolled around, I was laughing and smiling and disgustingly happy. Friday night with the PICU girls and boys was an amazing good time, and I realized how much some of them have come to mean to me. Saturday was Family Time and I drank Polish bandy with my baby brothers and Trish and our parents, played board games, and laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe.
Sunday, I sat with new friends and old ones, laughed, smiled, and realized that I am happy. That I’m not miserable and, since making the choice to block him and taking some kind of control in the situation, I actually have the capacity to stop. And I did.
I can’t say I could have come to this completely on my own, and too much is probably due to the fact that there’s a non-relationship happening in my life right now. But here’s where I managed to make it all ok in my brain.
O gave me what I wanted. The title. The promises. The plans. And had the capacity to give me anything I wanted and offered it to me. But it didn’t end up meaning anything. It didn’t change the outcome, being someone’s “girlfriend” and being offered promises of an exciting life didn’t make my story have a happy ending. Sure, I could have packed up and left with him, but then what? I’d be stuck somewhere, alone, away from all that I do have with a man who isn’t capable of loving me the way I want to be loved.
So. Now, in this moment, with this man, I am not going to ask for definitions. I am not going to make plans, I am not going to ask for promises. I’m just going to go with it. Spend time with and get to know someone that I like and see where it takes me. I don’t think it happens very often that you come across someone you just click with and enjoy as much as I’ve enjoyed this so far, so, if I can control my mind, if I can keep focused on me and what I’m trying to do for myself and just take it one day at a time, maybe something will happen. Then again, maybe it won’t. But I have to stop thinking that once it’s done, it’s done, that once there’s a definition that automatically means it will all end the way I want it to.
That may never happen. And I’m not exactly ok with that, but if that’s my fate, then so be it. I’ll be ok. But, in the meantime, I am going to have fun getting to know someone who makes me laugh a lot and who has made me see that there will be butterflies after O.
Come what may.
Read more from the Men, Things That Please Me category. If you would like to leave a comment, click here: 1 Comment. or stay up to date with this post via RSS
Social Bookmark :
Technorati,
Digg,
de.licio.us,
Yahoo,
Blinkbits,
Blogmarks,
Google,
Magnolia.