A Fabulous Mess

     So I’ve been consulting with my closest friends about me and my situation and my mental attitiude towards stuff, and I still don’t know where to go from here. In my head, I know what I want to do, but for some reason this time, my heart is hurting a little with the thought of trying to be the usual cold hearted person I am when I start to get hurt.

      I’ve been developing a plan to follow to deal with the situation. Well, two plans, really.

 PLAN ONE: BITCH OF AMERICA

     This seems to be what I’m good at. In fact, one of my friends recently asked me if she could pay me to be mean to men that she doesn’t want to talk to her. This plan involves me pretty much ignoring the situation, pretending I don’t know him anymore, and when and if an attempt is made to try to talk to me, I respond by either walking away or throwing back in his face the things he’s said to me. I already have several one liners in my head that I would love to come out with, and I know he’d be at a loss for a response because, really, I am too good at protecting myself by displacing my inner feelings onto others. This is the fun, easy way out, and ends with me being angry.

 PLAN TWO: THE HONESTY APPROACH

     This involves me putting myself out there even more than I have, admitting that I actually do have emotions and doing it in person, not via text. This is why texting is my preferred method of communication, it doesn’t involve me actually saying the things I want to say. And I can always blame it on being drunk. There is also a very, very large possibility that this will lead to me crying again, and crying in front of people that I don’t want to see me cry. Pretty much I’ve decided that this method will end with me being heart broken (YIKES! Did I just say that? Holy shit…) but, honestly, I’m going to end up that way no matter what method I choose. I feel that this plan makes me appear vulnerable, like I’m chasing something, like I don’t have control of the situation, and like I don’t know when to give in.

     I know, I know. I should just be a big girl and deal with everything. But that’s so hard for me.

      I had a very good talk with Deanna today, and she made me realize some things about myself. Well, maybe I should say admit things to myself.

     First of all… I’m more afraid of emotions than I realized. And, for some reason, this time, I think I have more feelings there than I’m willing to admit because I don’t want to just walk away, I’m trying hard to think of ways to fix it, and that’s not like me. I usually just say “To hell with you” and walk away.

     Second, I’m a lot to take on because I guess I am pretty up front about my emotions. I come right out and pretty much say what I want. I never realized I did that until today, but the more I think about it, I guess I do. If I don’t like someone, I let them know pretty quickly. And I pretty much do come out and say ‘Here’s what I want, here’s what I need from you’ pretty quickly. For instance, I pretty much told this one “I don’t expect anything from you, I like you, I don’t have a lot of time, but when I do, I like to have fun and I have fun with you.” He said similar things to me, at the moment I thought it was a beautiful reciprocal conversation (Beautiful? I just said ‘beautiful’?), I thought that maybe, just maybe, what I thought was just a physical thing was something else. And I think that’s when I started getting upset.

     There’s a part of me that really likes it that maybe I am a lot to handle. I guess I have my opinions, I know what I want, I know what I don’t want, and I’m not like other girls because I’d rather hear the bad news right to my face than to have someone beat around the bush for weeks or months.

     At this point, anything that he would actually tell me would not be as bad as the thoughts I’m having in my head. I have a very active imagination.

     It’s a blessing and a curse.

     So, I guess the bottom line is, yet again, I need to learn from this. I need to fight the temptation to be the huge bitch I really want to be because, honestly, if he thinks I’m complicated and he’s not mentally ready for me now, he’d have no idea how to react to me being Mean Jen. It’s something I’m good at, and I don’t know if it’s something I should be proud of.

     I don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling. I’m better than I was, I’m not upset anymore, I’m not mad, I’m just kind of… sad? And I’m not used to sad. Because if I’m sad, that means I care more than I let myself believe I did, and that means that there has been more there for me than just physical attraction for awhile. And I couldn’t admit it to myself. But at this point, I kind of feel like I’ve put it all out there, I said “I like you”, I made enough attempts, and I really feel like maybe I should just give up and stop the whole thing. Yes, that’s the easy way out and maybe I ultimately don’t get what I didn’t know I wanted, but at least I can maintain some sort of dignity and not be mean and not put myself out there anymore than I have.

     I don’t know what it meant that he said he’s not ready for me. I told him I was a lot to take on when this all started, but I guess I didn’t know it was true and I didn’t know he’d keep coming back despite my crazy texts and comments.

     Damn. I have to stop thinking about this. I’m going to get a shower and try to write something funny.

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