Being that I am a nursing assistant and a student nurse, I spend many, many hours of my life in one hospital or another. While not in a hospital, I learn about all kinds of exciting things that cause me to think about stupid things. Things like ‘If I exercise a lot and force the calcium back into my bones, does that mean this cavity will heal itself and I won’t have to go to the dentist?’ or ‘I know I shouldn’t take that pain killer while drinking alcohol because it will overtax my liver, but I really have a headache’ or ‘I wonder how long it would take me to pass out if I pushed on both my jugulars at the same time?’
I’ve learned a lot in the past year, but sometimes I surprise myself with how little I’ve changed my life since. For example, my diet primarily consists of carbs, high fat foods, and beer. I know that my chances of breast cancer are high as I have yet to have a child, I have a high fat diet, drink fairly often, and am not on birth control. I’m pretty sure my liver is in the pre-chirrosis fatty stage, and I sometimes think about that. Then I down that thought with a shot or Jager and another round. I have a bottle of One a Day Vitamin’s sitting on my dresser that I’ve taken three of, and I’m currently sitting here drinking my fourth 24 oz bottle of Diet Pepsi of the day, feasting on sharp cheddar cheese and Triscuits. Yes, there are vegetables in my fridge, but that means I’d have to wash them and cut them up and really, who has the time?
But the one thing that I have changed is something that I’m not proud of, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. The one thing that I’ve changed is the way I monitor my poop.
Sadly, one of my highest priorities of work is preventing the amount of time people lay in shit. I’ve seen it all. Shit in all shapes, colors, sizes, and smells. For example, I can distinguish C Diff poop (smells like popcorn) from that of a tube feed (fermented fruit… the actual fruit depends on the type of feed) and I can tell a lower GI bleed (red) from an upper GI bleed (black and sticky).
Since I’m convinced I have colon problems, I am fascinated by my bowel movements. Sometimes, I have to run to the bathroom to make it. Other times, I have to force myself to eat things I don’t really enjoy to get myself to go. Yes, I’m talking about corn.
Hey, did you know that the width of your poo can indicate if you have colon problems? If it’s thin and ribbon like, chances are you have a lower GI polyp that is obstructing the space the food has to move through. This is something I look for, pretty much on a daily basis.
Perhaps it is odd that I feel the need to talk about poop to all of you, most of whom could probably really not give a shit — no pun intended — about my poop or perhaps even your own.
But I bet you all take a peek before you flush next time.
29/03/2006 at 8:56 pm Permalink
As a paramedic, I learned to tell where the GI bleed was by smell.
For birds, daily evaluation of poop is essential. There are other considerations besides health, though.
African Grey parrots do not like to go in their cages. They hold it in and wait until they leave their cages to void. This is why you let the bird out and don’t hold it for 10 minutes.
Birds sitting eggs will hold it in for many hours, unlike most birds that poop ever 20 minutes. Trust me, you don’t want to be around when they crap. Nastiest stuff ever, and that includes 3-day old diarrhea on drunks with hepatitis and an upper GI bleed.
Birds also have a tendency to make particular movements when they poop. It’s very useful to know when it’s coming. Chauncey’s sort of potty trained, but it helps if you’re aware and can hold him over the waste basket at the right time.