I think it would be fun to be the person who writes the stupid, cheesy advertising quips on the back of products and on billboards, and I think I could do better than the people who are being paid to write these things now. Examples:

Lays Potato Chips. The back of the bag reads: When you choose LAY’S Potato Chips made with sunflower oil, you’re making a great choice for you an your family. So go ahead, grab a bag pop it open and enjoy the irresistibly fresh and crispy taste that could only come from LAY’S. It almost makes it seem like potato chips are good for you, and that a serving size (because we all know we only eat 15 chips which is a serving size) offers 15% of the total fat you need for a day as well as a healthy 180mg of Sodium and 15g of carbs! How about this: LAYS Chips. When your kids won’t eat any other kind of vegetable, give ‘em LAYS. Because nothing goes better with ranch dip. You’re making a good choice for your family.

Tostito’s with a Hint of Lime - It could be the great crunchy taste of 100% white corn. Or maybe it’s that perfect chip just begging for a dip into savory salsa. Or perhaps it’s the chance to connect with people you care about over a taste you love. For these reasons and more, TOSTITOS Tortilla Chips help make every day occassions a little more special… Putting together an occassion, a meal, or a snack? Try all of our great-tasting TOSTITIOS Tortilla Chips and TOSTITOS Dips and Salsas and you’ll create a moment worth savoring. Meet you at the TOSTITOS. Ah, the cornerstone to every holiday meal I ever remember having… TOSTITOS. Why, I remember last Thanksgiving when I looked up at Pa and said “Hey, Pa, can you pass me the yams… oh yeah, and the TOSTITOS.” I also find it amusing that it seems literally impossible to mention the name of your product on your product without referring to in in all caps, such as with TOSTITOS and LAY’S. I mean, I’m getting these blurbs from items I have already purchased and are in my house right now, reading these little quips on the back of a bag of chips is not going to influence my decision to buy them as I have already bought them. And I’m surely not going to pick up a bag of chips in a store, read the quip, and think to myself “Gee, this bag of TOSTITOS seems to ensure that I will have a fun gathering this evening. Maybe if I tell everyone I have TOSTITOS, they’ll come over and we can all play board games!” Seriously? Seriously… they would have been better off just saying “These TOSTITOS taste delicious. We swear. You can eat a whole bag all alone while weeping in your bed, and after you dump the crumbs down your throat, you won’t mind that you’re all alone in the world. Who needs friends or a special occassion? Make an occassion just for you… by eating the whole bag yourself.”

But it’s not just food.

The Healing Garden Green Tea Relax Therapy “enlightening” Body Mist - An enlightened sense of harmony envelops your mind, body and spirit with the green tea aromatherapy mist. Light, silkening conditioners bond with the moisture in your skin allowing the inspiring scent to linger. And here I thought it just made me smell yummy. It should read: This will make you smell like every other green tea fragrance will make you smell, but we deal exclusively with WalMart, so you won’t find it any cheaper.”

Aussie Dual Personality Hi Hold/Hi Shine Hair Spray - This one’s a double whammy. On the front, under the product name, it reads: Hold on tight!!! Sparkling shine spray meets hairspray might. You style is going to shine like the stars at night. Then, on the back, it reads:Get it 2-gether! Relentless hold + healthy radiant shine (even on coarse, dull, or dry hair). Accented with Australian Kangaroo Paw Flower, it’s an all-in-one easy spray for no mid-day droopies. Min ‘n match with Aussie shampoos and conditioners for the ‘do that’s made for you. Not greasy. First, I love that the made the attempt to rhyme on the front of the bottle, bonus points for that. Second, I love the attempt at casualness, like the bottle of hairspray is your friend, and it’s letting you know that you won’t have “droopies” and you’ll have a great “‘do”. But, the third and final thing I love about this one is the fact that “not greasy” seems to have been tacked on to the end of the blurb like it was an afterthought. Almost like the hairspray bottle is saying “Hey, lady, you need shiny, bigger hair! I’ve got just the trick for ya, it’s even got Kangaroo Paw Flower in it! No, I don’t know what that is either, but look at my hair! It’s shining like the stars at night! Oh, yeah… it’s not greasy. If that matters.” How about “This stuff will give you a very large ‘do, if that is the look that you’re into. Oh, yeah. And it’s not greasy.”

     Sadly, I do not currently have my very favorite blurb in the house right now, it’s on the back of a Frito’s bag. But I’ll work on that because I laugh every time I read it. I believe it contains the word “beefy”.

 NOTE:   I just got back from the GetGo where I purchased my Saturday night off supplies for myself (chocolate chip cookies and a bag of chips to replace the ones that belonged to my roommate that I ate most of) and I couldn’t resist. I bought the Fritos.

     The back of the Fritos bag reads: When hunger strikes, a light weight snack just isn’t going to cut it. You need something that’s going to hold you over and keep you satisfied. At times like these, you need the big, bold taste of FRITOS The original Corn Chips. With the classic corn taste and hearty texture that goes crunch, FRITOS The Original Corn Chips and an unmistakable all-American original. Right out of the bag, sprinkled on some chili or digging into you favorite dip… Nothing Satisfies like FRITOS. This is the one that made me start to pay attention to these kinds of things… Ah, FRITOS. As American as apple pie, hot dogs, and baseball. In fact, it should read “Do you love America? Then eat FRITOS on your American chili.”