What follows are the actual instructions my father left me when I went home to watch the dog last weekend… You’ll see where I get most of my craziness.

INSTRUCTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS 

My patented rice and chicken dog food mixture is in the black pot with the glass lid.

Pills on my desk, give one twice a day or whenever. Best way is to grab his snout like a broomhandle. Hide the pill in a piece of lunchmeat or other goodie. Or, using your thumb on one side and your fingertips on the other, force his choppers open. Take the pill in the other hand, while lifting his head up, insert the pill pushing with your fingertips as far back on his tongue as possible. Gulp! It’s done.

He has recently been eating standing up. When rousting him out of bed, if you lift him up so his front feet “grab” the floor, and you hold his back end up by the tail, he’ll start walking…wobbly at first, but the inertia will eventually get him rolling. When he positions himself to eat, manually spread his back feet apart so he’s standing on 4… otherwise the dope will stand on 3 and topple over, like an ill-designed Lego tower.

Fill the “blue” section of the double dog bowl about half way. (Water goes in the other – don’t confuse them, the “blue” side is like Bush’s logic – it won’t hold water.) Feed twice…at least when you come home and later on. Put the bowl on the towel on the garage floor so it won’t “walk” under the workbench.

Heat the ice cream cups for about 10 seconds in the microwave and hold the cup while he takes forever to lick it dry. Or empty it on a paper plate and put on the floor in the corner by the sink so it won’t “walk” under the stove.

Sometimes the bum likes to lay in his throne chair in the garage with his boney head laying up over an armrest. Cover with his blankie (the feather one at night, if you please….it gets cold in the garage.) If you lay Nips down in any of his beds/throne, put his head on a pillow and cover him…he’ll generally be in the same position when you return home – unless he “walks” under the workbench.

Feed the fish daily, one pinch, grinding it ever so finely with your thumb and forefinger…like you would fine Peruvian flake blow.

If he should “expire,” wrap him in DOUBLE trash bags, tightly sealed. I would then put him in the wheelbarrow in the garage…and buy 3 bags of ice down at Frank’s and cover him. Replace ice daily as needed. Use a garden implement in the garage to beat the vultures off of his carcass when you come home. Oh, and dig the grave on the right side of the shed.

If necessary, remind your brother that YOU are the older sibling, and we’ve left YOU in charge! Tell him, “You may not like me…but you WILL respect me.” He’ll know what you mean.

Do the dishes.