| … is that sometimes, I just need to be slapped across the face. Kat has done some severe face slapping in the past few weeks and, while I appreciate it greatly and I do take it to heart, there’s still a part of me that acts like stupid girl and thinks that what I think my heart is feeling matters and that I should just believe the feelings that I’m having.
Tonight, I got a slap in the face from one of my best guy friends, who pretty much said “Look, you’re awesome, anyone who wouldn’t want you is a moron, no one deserves you but if you think someone does, I’m willing to give him a chance. But he’s going to have to be someone pretty fucking amazing.” That kind of made me think a lot. I’m still thinking. I’ve been hurt so many times. It’s hard to believe that anything is real. And I think sometimes, it’s easier if it’s not real. I seem to want that more. What I want, more than anything, is something simple that gives me butterflies, makes me smile, challenges me intellectually, and makes me laugh every single fucking day. I’m looking in all the wrong places when sometimes I think it might be standing right in front of me. I still don’t know what to do about that. I’ve always thought it was important to listen to my heart. To that little voice inside me that tells me someone is special, that this one might be something, he’s different, he makes you smile, he gives you butterflies, and he’s here to make your life complete. But it doesn’t work like that, really. Does it? My mom has always told me that I should marry my best friend. She’s always told me that friendship and that kind of love lasts forever, while all the butterflies and stupid fairy tale shit goes away. I kind of believe you need both. But my mom’s been with my dad for more than thirty year, so maybe she’s right… I wish this would resolve itself. I wish I knew what to do, I wish I had total control of everything and that I could wake up in the morning and I knew what was right, and I wasn’t scared anymore, and everything would make sense. I ask for reality, I ask for the truth. Well, it’s becoming blatantly and shockingly clear what that is. It presents itself in song lyrics and text messages and thoughts that randomly pop in my head. And I don’t know if I want it right now, that’s what I’m trying to deal with, I’m still under the impression that everything has to be complicated. What if it doesn’t? What if it really is simple? If that’s the case, I’ve been putzing around way too long. But if not… I don’t know. I wish this wasn’t my decision to make as much as I wish it was. |
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