So I didn’t blog about this earlier, but I went home to my parents’ on Sunday to do laundry. My youngest brother has taken to making homemade pizza for dinner every Sunday, and I can’t ever make it because I had to study every Sunday and now that’s they only day I can work. It was me, my brothers, their girls, my mom, my dad, and our foster grandchild. Yes, my parents have a foster grandchild because they are good people.
I cried when I left home. I don’t know why. I had so much fun, I missed my brothers, I am finally, finally getting along with my mother, and my dad was so happy I passed critical care. I love them, and I was crying because I missed them already, because I love them so much, and because it hit me how much time I wasted being stupid and miserable. Missing family vacations because I couldn’t stand my mother, fighting with my dad in the mornings before school, and locking myself in my room and avoiding my brothers.
I just got off the phone not too long ago with my mom and completely lost my shit, burst into tears because I’m so stressed since my loan check isn’t here yet and I don’t sign the other one til next week. I’m nervous about meeting with my boss on Saturday because I’m convinced he’s not going to offer me a job and that I won’t get a sign on bonus before December (in which case I won’t be able to afford anything because transitions is going to take up more time that I thought which means I can’t work), and I broke down and ended up apologizing to my mother for everything I ever did to her when she offered to give me a check equal to most of my loan check tonight, provided I pay her all of it back in two weeks when the other one comes.
I cried and apologized for fighting with her my whole life, for taking her for granted. I told her she shouldn’t be helping me as much as she is because I wouldn’t be if I were her, and I told her I was very sorry I had cost her this much time and money. I said things I never thought I’d be able to tell her in any form, I always thought it would come from me as a card or something, never something from my mouth to her ears. I have realized in the past year and three months since I’ve been away from that house what I really have there, what I cherish in my family, and I’m so glad I figured it out rather than waste more time thinking I knew everything and I didn’t need anyone.
My mom’s told me since I was little that friends may come and go, but that my brothers, herself, and my father are the only people I’ll ever really have. And she’s right. I mean, I love my friends, but at the end of the day, they’re my blood. They know every bad thing about me and love me anyway, and no one makes me feel more at home or more like myself than those four people.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m crying, but in a good way. I’m such a sap.
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