There’s a girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her. Sometimes I really wish I did. There’s a story in her eyes, lullabies and goodbyes. When she’s looking back at me I can tell her heart is broken easily.
‘Cause the girl in my mirror is crying out tonight. And there’s nothing I can tell her to make her feel all right. Oh, the girl in my mirror is crying ’cause of you. And I wish there was something, something I could do.
If I could I would tell her not to be afraid. The pain that she’s feeling, the sense of loneliness will fade. So dry your tears and rest assured, love will find you like before. When she’s looking back at me, I know nothing really works that easily.
‘Cause the girl in my mirror is crying out tonight. And there’s nothing I can tell her, oh, the girl in my mirror is crying ’cause of you. And I wish there was something I wish there was something, oh, I wish there was something I could do. I can’t believe it’s what I see that the girl in the mirror, the girl in the mirror is me.
– Britney Spears, ”The Girl in the Mirror”
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I’ve never been a huge Britney fan. I don’t think her music is all that wonderful. I mean, it’s fun and some of it is really fun to dance to, but it’s not the music that I listen to when I feel like I need to hear a song that lets me know that someone else in the world felt what I am feeling. Which is one reason why I love music so much, if a song exists that I identify with, it’s very comforting because I know someone else has felt like crying or killing someone and got through it fine. Well, fine enough to write a song and record it.
I always had a strange realtionship with Britney. I don’t know if its because I watched the seasons of the Mickey Mouse Club that she was on when I was little or because she because popular right when I graduated high school and her music started getting a little, uh, sexual at the same time in my life that I started trying to be, uh, sexual. Or maybe it’s because she was smoking and I wanted her body, until I saw how hard she worked to get that body. I watched her “Diary” on MTV. I watched every episode of “Chaotic”. Why? Because it was nice to see her acting like a moron. It was nice to see her picking her nose and talking about sex. It was comforting to see someone with such status and success acting ‘normal’. Like someone I would probably want to be friends with, you know, if she wasn’t all famous and stuff and actually lived in Pittsburgh. I mean, I’m sure we’d be great drinking buddies, but I’m not sure if I could have many intelligent conversations with her. She just has never proven that.
I don’t want to be the girl that’s going to defend Britney for her actions lately. I’m kind of a pop culture junkie, and I’ve brought the whole situation up with friends and random people at bars and at work. And I’m always a little shocked when everyone says that she deserves it and she had it coming because, well, no one deserves to lose their mind.
Yes, she has kids and she should step it up, if only for them. But sometimes, picking yourself up is impossible. I thought of the whole post-pardum depression thing early last week, and when I read it on Dooce, I thought ‘Finally, a woman who understands that she’s not some stupid pop star who’s used to being spoiled.’ And a lot of people read her and she knows of what she speaks, and reading the way that she put it made my heart break because not many people know what it’s like to wonder how much it would hurt if you wrecked your car into that pole or what last thought you would have before you fell asleep and never woke up.
I’ve never had a baby and so never had post pardum depression, but I have been depressed. I have wondered if everything would be better if I didn’t wake up in the morning and who would come to my funeral. This was years ago, I have never been that low since, but when I do get shitty, I self medicate. It’s why I’ve been such an out of control drunk girl lately. When shit goes wrong, you need to deal with it. And since I have a hard time admitting to weakness or unhappiness when I’m sober, I drink to let it out. Is that bad? Yes. Am I out of control? No. Because I see it in me, I know when I need to knock it off, and I have a stable, wonderful family that tells me how it is and how to fix it.
I’m not saying Britney doesn’t have support. But when you never really had a childhood, when your mom and dad are across the country and you have two small kids, a marriage that fell apart, all the money in the world, and Paris Hilton to hang out with, yes, it’s going to be extreme. Fuck, if I was friends with Paris Hilton, I’d be a crazy party animal, too.
I’m not defending her, she hasn’t exactly been mother of the year. And one day, when her boys are older and see all the press covering their mother’s breakdown, she’s going to have a lot of explaining to do. But, for now, she’s a young woman who fell apart and my heart breaks for her.
I can’t imagine dealing with my depression and the shitty way with which I deal with it, knowing that someone was around every corner waiting with a camera. I can’t imagine going through a break up with all the money in the world, much less a divorce, and I don’t have any idea what it would be like to have two brand new babies and be facing it alone.
Anyone who has been depressed knows what it’s like to want to get away from your life, for whatever reason. I can’t imagine what I would do if I had the means to do whatever I wanted. Pay someone to take care of my kids, fly wherever I wanted, was the girl that one day, not so long ago, everyone wanted who could hang out with the beautiful people and be in clubs having men tell me I was hot. She needed something to make her feel good. About herself.
Yeah, she’s a mom. Yeah, she’s famous. But she’s 25 years old, has had two very public relationships and break ups, and is dealing with the ramnifications of being a single mother.
There’s so many of her lyrics that are sad. I was looking over them last week and had a post that listed the saddest ones, but this was one of the ones that went away because Crazy Mocha internet hates me.
It’s just sad. And it really bothers me, and I don’t know why. I guess it’s always a let down when someone you looked at and wished you were like is just as fucked up as you are. Even the people who appear to have everything really don’t. And I feel for her.
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