I’m not sure if I’ve ever blogged about the guy I was seeing before I met O, I seem to recall possibly referring to him as The Magician, but I may be making that up. I actually sort of cheated on O with him since in March O told me that he knew he wanted to be with me the day he met me, but I made out with the Magician a month after meeting O. Details, details.

Anyway, yesterday I was bored and needed to be around people, so I went to Jack’s where I was supposed to meet Lib. I ended up having several Sam Adam’s Cherry Wheats, which hit me pretty hard since I hadn’t really eaten much all day. I was nice and tipsy when Lib got there, and about ten minutes later, the Magician walked in the door. I haven’t seen him in five months, and I just had this feeling that he’d show up last night. I really did.

We caught up on everything that’s been happening with both of us, though I didn’t get into detail about O, I told him that I had been dating someone but that it didn’t work out. Lib made us all move to the other end of the bar where some other friends were because, well, the Magician and I pretty much ignored everyone else and she was bored.

Eventually, he kissed me. And it was weird. Very weird. Because it was familiar, but unfamiliar at the same time. If that makes any sense at all. I initially felt terrible, like I had done something wrong, and it took a lot for me to focus on what was happening instead of what used to be happening.

He walked me to my car and we had a talk about things that had happened, he said that he wasn’t prepared to see me last night. Seriously? You have to prepare to see me? I didn’t want to drive home, I wanted to stay at his place since it was very close by and it would have been nice not to sleep alone, but he kept telling me he wasn’t prepared and that he’s having trouble letting his guard down. So I jumped in the car and left.

I texted him as I watched him walk away and told him I was sorry if he felt I was being pushy, that I enjoyed my evening with him.

The text he sent me back is saved on my phone because it basically sums up everything I wanted him to say to me six months ago. No worries. It’s my fault. I like being with you. I’m just an ass sometimes. You have nothing to be sorry for.

A few more texts were exchanged, basically saying that we shouldn’t wait months to see one another. But time will tell I guess.

When I went to sleep last night, I thought how funny it was that all these months later, he’s finally able to tell me what I needed to hear then.

So, as my life just gets more and more like the plot of some cheesy romantic comedy, I woke up this morning and had an email from O. It said something along the lines of I’m sorry this happened but we have to part ways, you’re a wonderful person and you deserve someone who can give you the things I can’t, you’ll always be very special to me and I will miss you.

Not exactly all the closure I wanted, but it helped. Made me feel a little better because I know that he did and does care, that he will miss me, and this was just what he had to do.

Of course, I emailed him back and it was about twenty times longer than the one he sent me. I basically said everything I’ve been asking in these posts. There was a bit of “Here’s why you’re a tit” and one “I would have kept trying to make this work”. But then there was the real part, the meat of the problem, the very simple fact that I miss my friend that I talked to every day for the past few months. That I’d like to see him again if we’re ever in the same place at the same time.

I’m still waiting on a response. I have a feeling that he’ll be ok with keeping in touch and being friends. Of course I have the fantasy in my head that I’ll lose all the weight and he’ll call me in a few months and ask me to go to dinner, look at me over the table, and know that he does love me. But by then, I’ll probably be talking myself into believing that some other man has real feelings for me.

Everything is cyclical. I’m spinning around and around.