I’m in this weird relationship limbo. Again, not going to get into the details of what was said and decided this weekend, but those that I did give details to have said that the whole thing is like a John Cusack romantic comedy, and the friend of mine who knew him and introduced us said “I believe in O. I do.” There were promises made, ones that I believe because my heart is telling me that I should and that little voice that I usually get in my head that I ignore, the one that whispers “You’re being a fool”, well, that voice is non-existant this time.

Technically, I’m single. If the world were like Facebook and you could explain your relationship status with other words, I’d choose “it’s complicated”, but the world isn’t the internets, so, I’m single. But it’s wasted on me. Last night, there was a mighty fine looking Italian man with beautiful blue eyes who was talking to me, and I didn’t care.

I figure that, no, I’m not waiting with baited breath for him to come back and for this to turn into a relationship that isn’t based on when we can coordinate time zones and work schedules and shitty internet connections. I’m not waiting for him. So, when I met the adorable 26 year old guy who just got out of the Army and he not only asked me for my number but also called me and then came to hang out with all of my friends before asking me out on a real date for Friday night, I had to try. I had to try to be interested. And I did try, I accepted his invitiation and responded to his texts yesterday and this afternoon… but I don’t think I’ll be able to go through with the date. I’m just not ready and it would be a rebound because, well, there’s other factors that are telling me that the Army guy would never end up being a real thing anyway.

So I’m not waiting for him. At this point, I’m accepting that he’s the tragic love affair of my life because he’s amazing and it’s amazing when we’re together but he’s in Brazil right now and I’m on my couch in Pittsburgh. It’s impractical, but love will overtake practicality if it’s meant to be. I guess I’m waiting for that.

My best friend who has told me she doesn’t think I should ever let him go gave me the best advice of anyone so far, which was this: Yes, you’re going to compare every man to him from now on. But eventually, you’ll meet someone who he can’t compare to.

I have to hold onto that.