O Written on May 18, 2008, by Jen.
I”m sure you were all waiting for this one, but I figured I’d update on the whole O situation.
Basically, I’m realizing that all the reasons for us not being together - namely the ocean between us, both of us having careers that we are unable and unwilling to give up, and the idea that I was considering waiting for him for a year until he would be able to move to Pittsburgh, which was before it turned into we wouldn’t know how long since his company lost a few employees and gained two new customers in Asia and a design flaw was unleashed - are very real. My stupid romantic idea that love will conquer all… well, it’s a nice thought, but I’m not sure I believe that anymore and, as the days go by and I realize that life does go on without the promises of everything I was being offered, I realize that we made a good decision to stick with what we each have for the time being. He having his adventurous, lonely life on the road constantly working. Me having my life in Pittsburgh, most specifically my family and the job that I love.
I didn’t mention this before, in part because I was considering doing it and who knows what will happen between now and when my contact with UPMC is up, but I was invited to leave my life behind and just go. Several times over the past few months, actually, but most seriously during his last trip to Pittsburgh when we discussed that the best thing to do would be for me to meet him in England right after my brother’s wedding. True, it was probably one of those things that people say that they really don’t mean because even as we were looking on the internet to see how quickly I could get a passport, I knew in my heart that it was all in vain. That, yes, I do love him but that I would never be able to leave my family forever for a man who wouldn’t be willing to give me children or stability but would instead ask me to fly around the world with him.
Although it’s been awhile since I’ve gone to church, I still very much believe in Jesus and I have prayed a lot about all this, trying to get a sense of peace and a sign that what I am doing is the right thing. There’s a romantic in me somewhere telling me to drop everything and go, but there’s also a smarter, rational woman who knows that everything happens for a reason and that he showed up in my life when he did because that was the way it was supposed to happen. That he left like he did because that was the way it was supposed to happen.
I didn’t think I’d be capable of having real feelings for someone that went beyond the bar scene, beyond simply being a person to distract me from my life when I felt overwhelmed, but I realized that feelings will grow when they are most unlikely to and despite everything working against them. Maybe I was just supposed to learn how to see the world through rose colored glasses again.
I still hear from him every day. He’s in Brazil, he had beef stroganoff for dinner, got attacked by ants, and he’s listening to NPR before he goes to sleep every night. We’re working out a way to maintain a friendship for now, and it so far seems to be working. I’m not waiting, I’m not holding my breath, and if someone comes along who makes O look like a tit, well, I will take him in with open arms. There’s actually a new rather odd option that’s recently made itself known to me, so I’ll have to see how that plays out, but I am excited to be moving on to see what the next spin has in store for me.
I’m happy, I’m in a good place. The past month and my birthday night out showed me that I really do have everything I need to get through day to day, and that I’ll make it out of all of this in one piece.
But I’m working on getting a passport. Just in case.
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