O no Written on May 19, 2008, by Jen.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been so busy with work or because I’m losing weight or because the past few weeks have shown me how many amazing people I have in my life, but today when O emailed and texted me… I really didn’t care. I know that sounds a bit weird since I wrote what I wrote yesterday, but I’m thinking about my life and all and realizing that, although I do care about him and miss him immensely, there is no real reason to maintain as close a relationship as we have been. There’s no need to IM or text every day, I don’t need to answer him when he’s texting me and he knows I’m out and wants to know who I’m with and if I’m going home alone, and I don’t need the thought that he’ll be back in order to make me sane anymore.
That has to be progress, right?
I’ve always been a little bipolar. It runs in my family and has caused some tragic things to happen, and I’ve known since I was 13 that I had it in me. My mom’s known for much longer than that. So, it is no shock to me that I have a hard time accepting change and dealing with heartache, and that I rationalize everything to try to make sense of my life because if I don’t, I’m sometimes afraid I’ll get pulled down in the undertow. I know that I held onto the thought of him a little too long, and, while I do believe he told me the truth about what he wants from me, I know that it’s a truth that will never really happen. What Jerry said all those weeks ago when I was throwing things around my condo is true, sometimes people do things because they know they’re the right thing to do, not because they want to.
That said, I’m going to withdraw my invitation to O to spend my 2 week vacation with me in July. It was what we had planned two months ago, when he was going to start settling in and meet my family, when we were going to plot the rest out, and two nights ago, we were talking about whether or not it’s feasible now that his schedule is so crazy.
But I think I need to say nevermind. I want to move on, and I can’t do that if I’m planning on seeing him, if I’m talking to him every day, if I’m letting him still dissuade me from meeting someone else. It probably shouldn’t have taken me this long to get here, but with the rest of my life coming more and more into a happy place, it’s easier to see what the shit part is.
So that’s where I am today. As the days go by and I don’t see him and know I won’t see him for an indefinite amount of time, I realize that holding onto the pieces that we’re holding onto is a way of merely softening the blow. But I also know if it’s real, if it was real, it will happen. I just can’t hold onto any of it anymore.
Everything else is making me much happier now.
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