The depressed tone of that last post mostly had to do with the fact that when I am not at work for many days in a row, I turn into a depressed, self-obsessed, overanalyzing functioning alocoholic.

Before last night, I had not been to work in 8 days. I was scheduled Wednesday and Thursday of last week and had to call off as I did something weird and undescribable to my back. I thought I pulled a muscle, but it was timed perfectly with other womanly things going on - starting at the same time, peaking at the same time, ending at the same time - that I was convinced I was having either a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, or that my bowel had exploded.

I popped a muscle relaxer and mostly everything was ok from there on out. I did miss two days of work and discovered what it will be like when osteoperosis sets in and I can no longer stand erect. I hope I shrink a lot before then, I think when I get old I’m going to resemble Bea Arthur.

Anyway, my financial situation is a bit shitty since they’ve been cutting overtime for the past 3 weeks because the census is so low - a good thing I guess because it is trauma season so it ultimately means that little kids aren’t getting hurt, but a bad thing when I’m trying to redecorate. Thank god that the majority of this stretch of time off occured over the 4th of July weekend, which means picnics and free hot dogs and beer.

I’m still losing weight so I haven’t had a 100% all beef hotdog in sometime. But, damn, are they delicious.

The free beer was good, too, and I attended two wonderful picnics and was treated to multiple beers out by my good friends and my new homies at work.

Sadly, as happy as my nights begin, at a certain point I realized that I am minutes away from crying and pretty much jump up and leave without warning. It’s not so much the alcohol as much as it is realizing that when I don’t have to go to work, I don’t know what to do with myself. That and two of my closest friends are following my old roommate and getting the hell out of Pittsburgh - while Kat went all the way to California, Shane is heading to Charleston and Mary to Annapolis - I am still going to attempt to see all of them on my next vacation in October. But, still, I found myself wishing I could get out of my contract and just bail.

That’s not an option, now or anytime soon, unless some wealthy European offers to sweep me off my feet and give me the life I never knew I always wanted, but what are the chances that will happen twice? No, if there’s one thing I learned in the past 10 years, it’s that you have to make your own happiness, that if you sit around wishing for things to change they never will. So that’s what I’ve decided to do.

I have decided to act like I just moved to Pittsburgh. Or maybe back to Pittsburgh is the right way to put it. I’m making a real effort to go to new places, to do different things, and to expand myself beyond my circle of 4 close friends. I’m finding that I really enjoy some of the people I work with and that making friends isn’t the chore I once thought it was. I’ve also connected with some old, old friends lately, and that’s nice, too. It’s nice to find an old friend and feel like you can pick it up right where you left off, none of that awkward “Where the hell have you been, why have you forsaken me?” conversation bullshit, but just the realization that life takes people in different directions, but sometimes it brings people back together.

I also am applying for an on-line BSN program and a second job. These are two things I am hoping to get accomplished on my vacation next week, that and painting my living room.

So, all in all, if I keep on top of myself, I’m ok. When I get depressed, it tends to keep sprialing out of control until I no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore, but I always kick my ass back into gear.

“We’ll make it, Jen, we’ll all get there. Be happy, I love you,” Jt said to me on the other side of the bar on Monday as he gave me a hug and an inappropriate kiss. Simple words, but something I think I forget sometimes. I really do have a lot of good people in my life, and they don’t care about money or how much I weigh or O or any of it.

That’s what I need to remember. To keep me going. To get to the light at the end of the tunnel, and to look back and one day know why things happened the way they did.