Man, I am in quite a funk.
I am assuming that it has to do with the fact that I have been off work for a week since I always tend to get in a funk when I’m off work for a few days in a row. And, hopefully, all will be better Wednesday because I am starting my first shift at the homecare job and hopefully I’ll feel like I’m being productive. Or something.
It seems like I’m going to like this job. I had orientation in the office today and I had to take a mighty long test to assess my skills. This was the first nursing test that I’ve ever taken in my life that seemed easy to me, and I know that I should feel that way since I’ve been doing this for a year and a half, but it was a nice bit of reassurance to see on paper that I know what I’m doing.
It’s going to take about a month for the money side of it to start kicking in since I get orientation pay, which is $8 an hour less than my base rate, plus the direct deposit won’t start for a few weeks and I have to wait for my checks to be mailed from Atlanta. But, all in all, it is giving me hope that a month from now, everything will finally really start turning around.
But that doesn’t help me much now. I haven’t wasted a day of my vacation, I’ve done something productive every day and I didn’t drink as much as I thought I would. But I haven’t had a day to just sit at home and relax, and I haven’t had time to see the few people that I really wanted to spend time with… I haven’t been home to my parents’ house, I didn’t get to go see Deanna and the kids, and I didn’t get to spend a day with Shane, who’s moving to Charlotte in 2 weeks. My other good friend Mary is moving to Maryland next weekend, and I haven’t really spent much time with her.
This is all really getting to me. People moving away. Seeing how many opportunities I could have and realizing that I’ve been an idiot to think that life as I know it could only exist in Pittsburgh. I am half way done with my contract at the hospital, and am prepping myself mentally now to leave here when I am done. Truth is, I have to work a second job to get ahead and doing research on what I could be making doing the same thing in other places is making me really, really anxious to explore what else I could acheive with my life.
Everything I’ve been thinking for the last two weeks is making me rethink my life and my goals and what is realistic for me to achieve and I am really thinking about just throwing myself into work and getting rid of as much debt as I can so it will be easier to leave.
It’s not just work and money, I’m finding that I’m starting to be very judgemental and I’m starting to be bored every time I’m out. I thought it was Jack’s, so I went to a few new places and have been attempting to hang out with a few new people, and it’s pretty much the same no matter where I am or who I’m with.
I know it has something to do with O, and I’ve thought about that a lot. I’ve promised myself that I’m not going to allow myself to wait for him, that I will give people a chance, that I will be open to meeting someone. I do miss him, I won’t deny that, but it’s more… it’s more that he was the only exciting thing that has happened to me in years. My outlook on the world changed in that it seemed much smaller. It wasn’t just him being with me that changed things, it was learning about how someone else lives their life, seeing how many things really can be possible. And not because I was with O. I don’t mean romantically, and I don’t mean in a way that involves anyone but… me. That if I’m not happy, I can do something to change it, and it can be something bigger than losing weight or changing where I socialize or painting my apartment. It can be big, and it can change my life. It was like things finally started getting exciting, and then, when he was gone, everything was… normal again.
And, suddenly, normal isn’t making me happy anymore.
I don’t know if that makes any sense.
Tonight, I am looking forward to starting my new job on Wednesday. I am looking forward to happy hour downtown with the girls from work Wednesday night. I’m excited to spend one last night on the town with Mary before she leaves for Bethesda. I got serious about my diet again and I’m looking forward to buying new jeans this winter, and I can’t wait to refinish my coffee table. I’m trying to focus on the little things because they have been the things that have made me smile these days.
I went to the 18th Street concert for Primanti’s 75th anniversary with my little brother on Saturday, primarily to see the free Clarks show. That night was the first night in awhile that I felt totally and completely happy, and the fact that my baby brother was with me made it all that much better. I can still appreciate the moments and the things that really do make me genuinely happy. It just seems like there’s a lot less of them these days.
God, I need to go back to work.
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