A Fabulous Mess

Sunday marked one year to the day that I first crossed the friendship line with O. I remember the date because it was the Friday after Thanksgiving last year. Also, because once things got “serious” and he said he was moving here in January, I drew a little heart around the date in my planner, since I am a big sappy romantic at heart. (Note – I always love January because I get to start using my new yearly planner, and this year I bought the most awesomest one from Etsy.com called “An Artful Agenda” and it makes me all fuzzy inside to look at it’s clean, crisp empty pages. This year I am looking forward to having a planner than does not have premature birthdays and a January – May section that I can look back on to see just how foolishly optimistic and then ridiculously retarded I was.)

I assumed that I’d be a wreck on Sunday night, especially when I couldn’t recruit anyone to join me at the bar as early as I wanted to go… I was at Starbucks at 6 and ended up being alone at the bar by 7. Well, I told myself, this is exactly how you started this day off a year ago and look what happened. I knew someone would come through for me eventually, and not only did my awesome friends remind me why I love them, I also made new ones.

By the time 10 pm rolled around, I was laughing and smiling and disgustingly happy. Friday night with the PICU girls and boys was an amazing good time, and I realized how much some of them have come to mean to me. Saturday was Family Time and I drank Polish bandy with my baby brothers and Trish and our parents, played board games, and laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe.

Sunday, I sat with new friends and old ones, laughed, smiled, and realized that I am happy. That I’m not miserable and, since making the choice to block him and taking some kind of control in the situation, I actually have the capacity to stop. And I did.

I can’t say I could have come to this completely on my own, and too much is probably due to the fact that there’s a non-relationship happening in my life right now. But here’s where I managed to make it all ok in my brain.

O gave me what I wanted. The title. The promises. The plans. And had the capacity to give me anything I wanted and offered it to me. But it didn’t end up meaning anything. It didn’t change the outcome, being someone’s “girlfriend” and being offered promises of an exciting life didn’t make my story have a happy ending. Sure, I could have packed up and left with him, but then what? I’d be stuck somewhere, alone, away from all that I do have with a man who isn’t capable of loving me the way I want to be loved.

So. Now, in this moment, with this man, I am not going to ask for definitions. I am not going to make plans, I am not going to ask for promises. I’m just going to go with it. Spend time with and get to know someone that I like and see where it takes me. I don’t think it happens very often that you come across someone you just click with and enjoy as much as I’ve enjoyed this so far, so, if I can control my mind, if I can keep focused on me and what I’m trying to do for myself and just take it one day at a time, maybe something will happen. Then again, maybe it won’t. But I have to stop thinking that once it’s done, it’s done, that once there’s a definition that automatically means it will all end the way I want it to.

That may never happen. And I’m not exactly ok with that, but if that’s my fate, then so be it. I’ll be ok. But, in the meantime, I am going to have fun getting to know someone who makes me laugh a lot and who has made me see that there will be butterflies after O.

Come what may.

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