I have been thinking a lot about this past year and was originally planning on doing a very self-punishing re-reading of everything I wrote since January so I could reflect on how happy I was when 2008 started, how miserable I was in the middle, and how disgustingly numb and jaded I am now; however, I don’t think in my current state of mind that going back and reading about all that will do anything good for me, and I have a lot of happy things coming up this week and I would rather be fun during these events than crying.
So. Instead, I have forced myself to think about what I have learned this year. Initially, I didn’t think I learned anything, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized this was incorrect.
1. I am a hopeless romantic, and that needs to stop. I thrive on “grand gestures” and the feelings that develop between two people in a seemingly hopeless situation, but at the end of the day, hopeless is still hopeless and the hours that he’s driven to see me, the get aways, the roses, the stupid idea that I have developed a true connection with someone… these things all don’t matter for shit. At some point, having a relationship has become a choice. Do I continue to do what I want to do for myself, or do I keep leaving it all negotiable if the right person comes along? I’m picking me. I have been completely shattered once this year, disappointed more times than I can count, and it’s all left me numb and completely drained. Game over. You win.
2. Money isn’t a problem anymore when you are willing to work overtime and get a second job. Getting a second job was the best thing I did all year because it showed me that I can survive and am sometimes happier when I work 6 days a week.
3. Going back to school is most definately my priority in 2009. I am thrilled that I stumbled across the program, that my interview went so well, and that the director of the program seems genuinely interested in my being involved in it.
4. The girls I met at work have become a major part of my life, and that in and of itself makes this year worth living again.
5. True friends don’t care how long its been since you’ve seen them and don’t ask for an explanation why its been so long since you’ve been in touch. When you finally do get to talking, they are happy to catch up and say “I love you, and I missed you”. They don’t do passive aggressive things to attempt to get your attention. I’ve reconnected with several people over the past few months, and it’s been a great time.
6. Come to think of it, passive aggressive things are retarded. I am extremely guilty of this myself, especially since May, and I am vowing to no longer do that and will from now on try my best to be totally straight-forward.
7. People are very capable of faking emotions, whereas I am not. Although I kind of already think I’m too guarded, perhaps I need to stop buying into things with all my heart before really given a reason to believe them.
8. I love to cook, and I am pretty good at it.
9. While I know I need a vacation and will not be getting one for a long time, sometimes I just need a drive up Route 8 to Cranberry with my radio blaring and a minor bargain shopping spree. This does wonders for my sanity, and on these days, I am content with being totally alone.
10. I have finally made my place a home for me. And I love it. It is wonderful to be able to say that.
All in all, maybe everything hasn’t been shit after all.
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