I started blogging in 2005 because that was a big year for me. I remember starting to write right around the time I got accepted to nursing school, and shortly after I started classes, I moved out of my mom’s house. 2005 has thus far been the biggest year of my life in that a lot of things changed for the better and it started me on my way to the next phase of my life.

I originally started writing on BlogCity because it was free and there were a lot of ways that I could format it. I used to change my layout on a daily basis, and a part of me does miss being able to do that. Initially, I had these ideas of total global popularity and did everything that Google told me to promote my blog.

That is how I found the Pittsburgh Bloggers and subsequently met Woy.

My acceptance to the Pittsburgh Bloggers website was a happy day for me, and Woy and I developed an email/IM relationship. Shortly after, he showed up at Jack’s one day after my Pharm final because he knew I would be there. It was my first of 3 experiences meeting an internet friend in real life, and the initial weirdness of “Oh my God, that dude is from my internet life” soon went away. He celebrated with me when I found out that I passed, and thus began the real life friendship of Jen and Woy.

Woy is responsible for moving me to my own dot com and still does all the technical stuff for this site, as he does for a few other Pittsburgh Bloggers. He’s basically the driving force behind making Pittsburgh blogging what it is, and it is something kind of special. Even if you don’t know the face behind the blog, there’s a weird bond that bloggers have, which was evident to me when I went to the one Blogfest I attended. Even if I don’t know who is writing what I’m reading, there’s an investment you make in someone’s life when you commit to reading their blog, when you go as far as to link to them and add them to your Google reader. And when you get a lot of these people in one room with the only thing you have in common being you’re all bloggers from Pittsburgh, you find out how much these people really know about you. It’s shocking at first because I personally assume that no one’s reading this anymore.

I’ve hung out with Woy randomly by accident and a few times on purpose, and to this day, he remains the only person to ever interview me about anything. I felt like a celebrity that day. He and his wonderful wife also attended the concert that my school organized for a cancer benefit. And he was the only person I knew would be jealous when I said the words “Ha ha, I met Julie Gong and Buckner and you didn’t!”. He’s basically an all around good dude who has been a part of my life as long as this blog has, and this blog wouldn’t be what it is or will become without help from Woy. I needed a way to chronical the way things were changing, I needed an outlet for all the craziness that was going on in my life. And Woy helped me acheive that.

Woy and Mrs. Woy just welcomed their first baby into the world, and I wanted to say congratulations. At first I was going to text him, but I figured that was a bit too impersonal and that he was a bit too busy. I don’t think we’ve ever spoken on the phone because most of our communication has been electronically. Yes, a blog post may appear to be a bit impersonal, but this blog is an important part of my life and it’s a part that Woy helped me get.

Mike, congratulations to you, your wife, and your new little girl. You’re going to make an amazing father because, quite frankly, you are one of the nicest, most sincere and driven men I’ve ever met in my entire life.

I’m excited and happy for you, my friend.

I’d be lying if I said that I remembered the first time I met Kat, but I know it was the first day of nursing school. I do, however, remember the first time I heard the word “Lawrenceville” come out of her mouth and had no idea where that even was.

Way back when I started this blog - back in the Blog-City days - I had just started school and very soon after was kicked out of my house because the level and frequency of fighting between my mother and I got extremely out of hand. I remember looking for apartments and the only ones I thought I would be able to afford were on Neville Island, so I was driving home from there one day when Kat called and said “Live with me!”

I think we looked at one other place in Friendship before we went to see the house on Davison Street and as soon as we saw it, we both knew we wanted to live there. I remember Kat telling me “You’ll always remember this house, it’s your first place away from your parents” and she was right. I remember when we got our keys at the end of September and I took my friends on tours of the vacant house. I remember deciding on who was going to be in which bedroom. I remember the day Corrina tore up the carpet as vividly as I remember the day Kat’s mom sewd up the carpet. I remember all the time we got Pizza Hut, the time Kat got me chicken nuggets from McDonald’s and there ended up being a burger inside the box, my birthday party when Kat skipped school to cook me dinner and Robin and Hobby bought me a box of wine and a crown. I remember falling down the stairs. I remember the day Robin made me cut her hair in the bathroom, the day I realized that the neighbors could see into the second story window, the day someone got shot right down the street. I remember the time we had our party and I smoked weed, splitting a six pack with Kat and watching The Biggest Loser or some terrible documentary on TLC. I remember the fighting and the breaking up of the couples that meant the most to me for those 2 years, and how quickly everyone found their ways back to each other. I remember sitting on the porch drinking beers and looking down the street to see the skyline of the city I love so much. Seeing the Lawrenceville city council lined up on the benches that line Butler Street and spending way, way too much time drinking and “studying” and the TBird. I remember “Hot Bitches Monday” when me, Robin, and Kat would go and make a minimal attempt to look cute. I remember Buckner finding me on one such Monday… I believe it was the same day McDonald’s messed up my order. I remember watching fireworks on the roof at Jake’s house that July 4th, going down to the river and drinking beer on that old couch, waiting for Kat to close the bar early on Sunday so we could all make it to Gooskie’s before it closed, how much time and money we put into that touchscreen machine, IMing each other even though we were only a floor away, and when we both were so exhausted that we wanted to cancel our party before it started. I remember when Kat, Jake, Robin, Hobby, and the Thunderbird were pretty much all I talked about, and I now look back and see how much that time meant to me. How much I was taking it all in, seeing things for the first time, and finally getting something I had been missing.

I remember a lot from Lawrenceville, a lot from Davison Street, and how much things changed when we moved to Banner Way. But mostly, I remember Kat. I think I always knew that she was changing my life, but now that she’s finally moving to California as she’s wanted to for so long, I know how much I’ve grown because of her and the people she introduced me to. And even though we haven’t hung out often since graduation, it was always kind of nice to know that she’d probably be at the Thunderbird if I needed her. And now she’ll be in Cali.

Kat was a perfect foil for me, the only thing we really have ever had in common is liking to drink and nursing school. We had different lives, run with completely different crowds, have completely different tastes in everything from music to men to clothes, but none of that ever mattered and I don’t even think I realized how different we are until I wrote that sentence.

But all the things I wanted to and still want to change about myself, Kat already had. I’m often high strung, I worry about everything, I stress, I read into things, I can’t calm myself down, I dwell, and I don’t typically admit to being hurt or angry. And if I ever freaked out, Kat always knew the right thing to say. She always knew how to calm me down, always got angry when anyone hurt me or pissed me off, always was willing to buy me a beer even if she didn’t have any money, and always made me laugh.

To meet a group of people who are the opposite of everyone you’ve ever known in your whole life - people who aren’t trying to be preppy or cool, people who aren’t trying to impress anyone, people with dreadlocks and shaggy beards who classify themselves as hippies and remind me of what my father mst have been in his 20s - was a culture shock for me, but as soon as I was welcomed into the group, I found them to be people who are passionate about life and living and whatever it is they choose to do with their time, people who are passionate about other people, who want to get to know everything about you and who want to get to know your friends, who take like one day at a time and just go with the flow, people that I quickly realized I could learn a lot from and people who I started to see had huge hearts, brilliant ideas, and a wonderful way of seeing the world.

When we used to be the FBC and we used to shower each other with compliments, the girls would always comment on Kat and how big her heart was. That much, anyone who knows her will attest to. Kat doesn’t have acquaintances, everyone she knows is a friend, she’s one of the most welcoming, genuine people I have ever met. She’s my friend, and the best thing I got from nursing school.

She changed my life in so many ways and I don’t know that I’ve ever told her that enough. To meet someone whom I have little to nothing in common with, to move in with a girl who I had only known for a few months and have it click as well as it did, to see what I should value in people and what kind of people make life better versus more complicated… I learned that from Kat.

Kat, I love you. I am so glad that we met and that we lived together and that we got through all the fighting and stress of Banner and everything else. Hell, just being in nursing school and not killing each other says something. I know you’re scared about leaving, but don’t be. You’ll have friends wherever you go because that’s just who you are, you can’t help it. People find you, and they will continue to do so. You and Jake have more love between you than most couples I know, and I wish you both nothing but the best.

You deserve nothing but good things, mama. I’m proud of you.

Thank you for everything you did for me, I don’t think you know how much it all meant.

It’s been a few days, but things are pretty good at the moment.

I’ve been working a lot - 9 of the past 12 days actually - and am really looking forward to my next paycheck. Most of that will be Fro’s wedding gift, but I’d just like to see that big number deposited into my account.

My birthday was yesterday, which is why I didn’t make it to the Blogfest. My whole family plus most of my friends came out, and I really realized who I have in my life to catch me or pick me up if I need it. Big thanks to Lib, Shane, Mary, Rachel, Rob, Barbie, Mike, Fro, Jerry, Trish, and Nicole - you guys rock my world.

On the weight loss front… My Weight Watchers membership was canceled because when I lost my ATM card and I canceled it, I forgot to chose an alternate payment method, so my automatic debit stopped working and so, no more Weight Watchers. I’ve decided not to renew since I am doing fine on my own. So, my total weight loss, according to my bathroom scale, is … 16 lbs. Go, me! I’m hoping to be at my goal by December.

That’s all for now. Probably another late night work post later.

The resolution of a relationship should not be clinging to said relationship and accepting whatever piece of the person you’re now able to get. But that seems to be exactly what I need to do in order to make sure I’m not going to lose my mind.

Throughout the past few weeks I have kept coming back to the whole idea of ‘there has to be a middle ground’. It’s something that I’m sure my friends are sick of hashing out with me, but something that is generally accepted. When my best friend, who is not exactly the most pro-relationship girl you’ll ever meet, told me I shouldn’t let it go, I thought that maybe, just maybe there was a possibility that if I remained calm and rational, the little friendly things O and I have been saying to one another could work themselves into a sort-of anti-relationship relationship.

This became my goal for the evening. And it wasn’t all that hard to achieve.

O and I pretty much kept in contact all day yesterday. And not all dirty texts and not all hashing out the details texts, but just friendly ha ha, how was dinner?, blah blah kind of things. The past two nights when I went out, he’s told me he’s worried about me, that he didn’t want me to go home with the Magician. That he’s tired and he needs to stop traveling.

When it hit midnight, and he told me how much he wished I was in bed with him, how he sleeps so much better when he can feel me near him, blah blah blah. I used this as my way in, and told him that I wished we had talked about this whole thing before he just up and peaced out.

All I need to know is he cares about me. I don’t need promises because I know I’m not going to get them, and I am not going to put my life on hold for him. But I need to know he cares, I still mean something from him, and that he’ll see me when he can. That what we have did and does mean something, and that just knowing him is enough for me. That we don’t have to be together, but that we both know we’re not totally apart.

His response was classicly O: You silly woman. That’s exactly what I’ve been telling you for the past 24 hours.

Which is true. It just wasn’t spelled out in a neat little definitive statement. Which I needed.

When we were in Newport, I bought myself a few little things. Two glass jars. A little tin box. And I handcarved wooden jewelry box that was imported from India. O pointed out that everything I bought was something to put stuff in. Then he asked me what would Freud say?

I need things to be defined. And, while we’re defining it by not defining it, I know that man still cares. But I can’t count on that to be my happiness because he can’t give it to me forever. So, he’s not my boyfriend. But he is important to me. And I can’t let it go.

I know it’s unhealthy, and perhaps I’ll regret it. But I can’t shake it.

There’s a Sex and the City when Carrie starts being friends with Big. I don’t remember what season it was, I think it was when she was with Aidan the second time around and they were at the cabin and Carrie left to go have dinner in the city with Big. I remember Miranda giving Carrie a hard time about it, and I remember Carrie saying something about how she and Big have a connection, that it’s enough for her to know there’s a man out in the world somewhere who she’s connected to.

I guess that’s how it has to be for me for now. Until I meet someone else. Which is probably right when he’ll decide he wants it to be different.

Love does not, as promised, conquer all. But it ebbs and flows. And it’s never what you think it will be. And I’m not going to say that I’ve given up on him loving me one day, because of course I haven’t. But I know I’ll be ok if he never does.