I’d be lying if I said that I remembered the first time I met Kat, but I know it was the first day of nursing school. I do, however, remember the first time I heard the word “Lawrenceville” come out of her mouth and had no idea where that even was.

Way back when I started this blog - back in the Blog-City days - I had just started school and very soon after was kicked out of my house because the level and frequency of fighting between my mother and I got extremely out of hand. I remember looking for apartments and the only ones I thought I would be able to afford were on Neville Island, so I was driving home from there one day when Kat called and said “Live with me!”

I think we looked at one other place in Friendship before we went to see the house on Davison Street and as soon as we saw it, we both knew we wanted to live there. I remember Kat telling me “You’ll always remember this house, it’s your first place away from your parents” and she was right. I remember when we got our keys at the end of September and I took my friends on tours of the vacant house. I remember deciding on who was going to be in which bedroom. I remember the day Corrina tore up the carpet as vividly as I remember the day Kat’s mom sewd up the carpet. I remember all the time we got Pizza Hut, the time Kat got me chicken nuggets from McDonald’s and there ended up being a burger inside the box, my birthday party when Kat skipped school to cook me dinner and Robin and Hobby bought me a box of wine and a crown. I remember falling down the stairs. I remember the day Robin made me cut her hair in the bathroom, the day I realized that the neighbors could see into the second story window, the day someone got shot right down the street. I remember the time we had our party and I smoked weed, splitting a six pack with Kat and watching The Biggest Loser or some terrible documentary on TLC. I remember the fighting and the breaking up of the couples that meant the most to me for those 2 years, and how quickly everyone found their ways back to each other. I remember sitting on the porch drinking beers and looking down the street to see the skyline of the city I love so much. Seeing the Lawrenceville city council lined up on the benches that line Butler Street and spending way, way too much time drinking and “studying” and the TBird. I remember “Hot Bitches Monday” when me, Robin, and Kat would go and make a minimal attempt to look cute. I remember Buckner finding me on one such Monday… I believe it was the same day McDonald’s messed up my order. I remember watching fireworks on the roof at Jake’s house that July 4th, going down to the river and drinking beer on that old couch, waiting for Kat to close the bar early on Sunday so we could all make it to Gooskie’s before it closed, how much time and money we put into that touchscreen machine, IMing each other even though we were only a floor away, and when we both were so exhausted that we wanted to cancel our party before it started. I remember when Kat, Jake, Robin, Hobby, and the Thunderbird were pretty much all I talked about, and I now look back and see how much that time meant to me. How much I was taking it all in, seeing things for the first time, and finally getting something I had been missing.

I remember a lot from Lawrenceville, a lot from Davison Street, and how much things changed when we moved to Banner Way. But mostly, I remember Kat. I think I always knew that she was changing my life, but now that she’s finally moving to California as she’s wanted to for so long, I know how much I’ve grown because of her and the people she introduced me to. And even though we haven’t hung out often since graduation, it was always kind of nice to know that she’d probably be at the Thunderbird if I needed her. And now she’ll be in Cali.

Kat was a perfect foil for me, the only thing we really have ever had in common is liking to drink and nursing school. We had different lives, run with completely different crowds, have completely different tastes in everything from music to men to clothes, but none of that ever mattered and I don’t even think I realized how different we are until I wrote that sentence.

But all the things I wanted to and still want to change about myself, Kat already had. I’m often high strung, I worry about everything, I stress, I read into things, I can’t calm myself down, I dwell, and I don’t typically admit to being hurt or angry. And if I ever freaked out, Kat always knew the right thing to say. She always knew how to calm me down, always got angry when anyone hurt me or pissed me off, always was willing to buy me a beer even if she didn’t have any money, and always made me laugh.

To meet a group of people who are the opposite of everyone you’ve ever known in your whole life - people who aren’t trying to be preppy or cool, people who aren’t trying to impress anyone, people with dreadlocks and shaggy beards who classify themselves as hippies and remind me of what my father mst have been in his 20s - was a culture shock for me, but as soon as I was welcomed into the group, I found them to be people who are passionate about life and living and whatever it is they choose to do with their time, people who are passionate about other people, who want to get to know everything about you and who want to get to know your friends, who take like one day at a time and just go with the flow, people that I quickly realized I could learn a lot from and people who I started to see had huge hearts, brilliant ideas, and a wonderful way of seeing the world.

When we used to be the FBC and we used to shower each other with compliments, the girls would always comment on Kat and how big her heart was. That much, anyone who knows her will attest to. Kat doesn’t have acquaintances, everyone she knows is a friend, she’s one of the most welcoming, genuine people I have ever met. She’s my friend, and the best thing I got from nursing school.

She changed my life in so many ways and I don’t know that I’ve ever told her that enough. To meet someone whom I have little to nothing in common with, to move in with a girl who I had only known for a few months and have it click as well as it did, to see what I should value in people and what kind of people make life better versus more complicated… I learned that from Kat.

Kat, I love you. I am so glad that we met and that we lived together and that we got through all the fighting and stress of Banner and everything else. Hell, just being in nursing school and not killing each other says something. I know you’re scared about leaving, but don’t be. You’ll have friends wherever you go because that’s just who you are, you can’t help it. People find you, and they will continue to do so. You and Jake have more love between you than most couples I know, and I wish you both nothing but the best.

You deserve nothing but good things, mama. I’m proud of you.

Thank you for everything you did for me, I don’t think you know how much it all meant.

I”m sure you were all waiting for this one, but I figured I’d update on the whole O situation.

Basically, I’m realizing that all the reasons for us not being together - namely the ocean between us, both of us having careers that we are unable and unwilling to give up, and the idea that I was considering waiting for him for a year until he would be able to move to Pittsburgh, which was before it turned into we wouldn’t know how long since his company lost a few employees and gained two new customers in Asia and a design flaw was unleashed - are very real. My stupid romantic idea that love will conquer all… well, it’s a nice thought, but I’m not sure I believe that anymore and, as the days go by and I realize that life does go on without the promises of everything I was being offered, I realize that we made a good decision to stick with what we each have for the time being. He having his adventurous, lonely life on the road constantly working. Me having my life in Pittsburgh, most specifically my family and the job that I love.

I didn’t mention this before, in part because I was considering doing it and who knows what will happen between now and when my contact with UPMC is up, but I was invited to leave my life behind and just go. Several times over the past few months, actually, but most seriously during his last trip to Pittsburgh when we discussed that the best thing to do would be for me to meet him in England right after my brother’s wedding. True, it was probably one of those things that people say that they really don’t mean because even as we were looking on the internet to see how quickly I could get a passport, I knew in my heart that it was all in vain. That, yes, I do love him but that I would never be able to leave my family forever for a man who wouldn’t be willing to give me children or stability but would instead ask me to fly around the world with him.

Although it’s been awhile since I’ve gone to church, I still very much believe in Jesus and I have prayed a lot about all this, trying to get a sense of peace and a sign that what I am doing is the right thing. There’s a romantic in me somewhere telling me to drop everything and go, but there’s also a smarter, rational woman who knows that everything happens for a reason and that he showed up in my life when he did because that was the way it was supposed to happen. That he left like he did because that was the way it was supposed to happen.

I didn’t think I’d be capable of having real feelings for someone that went beyond the bar scene, beyond simply being a person to distract me from my life when I felt overwhelmed, but I realized that feelings will grow when they are most unlikely to and despite everything working against them. Maybe I was just supposed to learn how to see the world through rose colored glasses again.

I still hear from him every day. He’s in Brazil, he had beef stroganoff for dinner, got attacked by ants, and he’s listening to NPR before he goes to sleep every night. We’re working out a way to maintain a friendship for now, and it so far seems to be working. I’m not waiting, I’m not holding my breath, and if someone comes along who makes O look like a tit, well, I will take him in with open arms. There’s actually a new rather odd option that’s recently made itself known to me, so I’ll have to see how that plays out, but I am excited to be moving on to see what the next spin has in store for me.

I’m happy, I’m in a good place. The past month and my birthday night out showed me that I really do have everything I need to get through day to day, and that I’ll make it out of all of this in one piece.

But I’m working on getting a passport. Just in case.

I’m in this weird relationship limbo. Again, not going to get into the details of what was said and decided this weekend, but those that I did give details to have said that the whole thing is like a John Cusack romantic comedy, and the friend of mine who knew him and introduced us said “I believe in O. I do.” There were promises made, ones that I believe because my heart is telling me that I should and that little voice that I usually get in my head that I ignore, the one that whispers “You’re being a fool”, well, that voice is non-existant this time.

Technically, I’m single. If the world were like Facebook and you could explain your relationship status with other words, I’d choose “it’s complicated”, but the world isn’t the internets, so, I’m single. But it’s wasted on me. Last night, there was a mighty fine looking Italian man with beautiful blue eyes who was talking to me, and I didn’t care.

I figure that, no, I’m not waiting with baited breath for him to come back and for this to turn into a relationship that isn’t based on when we can coordinate time zones and work schedules and shitty internet connections. I’m not waiting for him. So, when I met the adorable 26 year old guy who just got out of the Army and he not only asked me for my number but also called me and then came to hang out with all of my friends before asking me out on a real date for Friday night, I had to try. I had to try to be interested. And I did try, I accepted his invitiation and responded to his texts yesterday and this afternoon… but I don’t think I’ll be able to go through with the date. I’m just not ready and it would be a rebound because, well, there’s other factors that are telling me that the Army guy would never end up being a real thing anyway.

So I’m not waiting for him. At this point, I’m accepting that he’s the tragic love affair of my life because he’s amazing and it’s amazing when we’re together but he’s in Brazil right now and I’m on my couch in Pittsburgh. It’s impractical, but love will overtake practicality if it’s meant to be. I guess I’m waiting for that.

My best friend who has told me she doesn’t think I should ever let him go gave me the best advice of anyone so far, which was this: Yes, you’re going to compare every man to him from now on. But eventually, you’ll meet someone who he can’t compare to.

I have to hold onto that.

I can’t defend my decision to spend most of the weekend with O, but I don’t regret it and I’d do it again.

There were a lot of things that were said. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of crying and I dare say some sobbing - from both sides.

No one knows what is happening and has happened between me and O except for me and O, and I’m not going to get into details about any decisions or conclusions we came to and the beautiful things that were said. But suffice it to say it’s not over. And it’s in a much more honest and realistic place now.

There’s love here. He found it.

And I can’t regret that. I won’t.

So I got myself all pumped to work 60 hours this week and right before I was supposed to wake up this morning, work called and cancelled me. Meaning they didn’t need me enough to pay me time and a half plus $10 an hour to work today.

So much for my awesome paycheck.

O is on his way to town. We had a nice talk last night, one that was honest and a little sad because I don’t think he realizes how much my feelings toward him have changed. How I’ll never trust him and my eyes won’t sparkle when I look at him anymore. How my heart once felt too big for my body but now feels like a big empty space.

He’s asked me to call off and spend all day with him on Sunday. He said he wants to celebrate my birthday early with me and said that Saturday he’s going to spend the day trying to find me something nice and shiny because he wants to take his time and find something perfect.

I don’t know how I’m going to react to all this, and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it, but I’m supposed to meed him at 5 pm tonight for dinner and a drink. And he asked me to stay with him tonight so I’m taking my work clothes with me. I know I said I wanted to look at him and tell him he can’t have me, that he’s ruined everything and that this isn’t enough for me… but I can’t.

I’m weak. I miss him, well, the him I thought he was. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this man that I don’t really know, but I can’t not go. I have to or I’ll regret it.

Wish me luck.