So I know it’s been awhile. The mood that I’ve been in as of late should have prompted a lot of writing, but I honestly have been trying to keep myself together and work on other things to distract myself from the fact that I feel like my life is the same day over and over again. So, I’ve decided to go back to school - to get my 3rd bachelor’s, yay! - in January so I can try to do something else in the nursing field. I have long term plans, but they involve a master’s in yet another field, so I’m going to have to put that off for awhile. I’m also thinking about getting a second job, possibly doing home care one or two night s a week. But all of that will hopefully come together when I’m on vacation next week and have 11 days off during which I will mostly be trying not to lose my mind.

Right when I think I’m ok, I realize I’m not. I should be over all this O shit by now, but I’m not and I’m trying very hard to do what I should do, move on and be strong, but it’s harder than I ever thought it would be.

That’s all I can write at the moment. But I have a new favorite song that makes me cry but pretty much sums up how I feel… so, here’s some lyrics for you. It’s called ‘Beautiful Mess’ by Jason Mraz on the new cd ‘We Sing, We Dance, We Steal’. Oh, and it’s an awesome CD.

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needy,
Humble but you’re greedy
Based on your body language,
your shouted cursive I’ve been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives

And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
‘Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
‘Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like, we are picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are

We’re still here

And what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words in priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it’s nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been so busy with work or because I’m losing weight or because the past few weeks have shown me how many amazing people I have in my life, but today when O emailed and texted me… I really didn’t care. I know that sounds a bit weird since I wrote what I wrote yesterday, but I’m thinking about my life and all and realizing that, although I do care about him and miss him immensely, there is no real reason to maintain as close a relationship as we have been. There’s no need to IM or text every day, I don’t need to answer him when he’s texting me and he knows I’m out and wants to know who I’m with and if I’m going home alone, and I don’t need the thought that he’ll be back in order to make me sane anymore.

That has to be progress, right?

I’ve always been a little bipolar. It runs in my family and has caused some tragic things to happen, and I’ve known since I was 13 that I had it in me. My mom’s known for much longer than that. So, it is no shock to me that I have a hard time accepting change and dealing with heartache, and that I rationalize everything to try to make sense of my life because if I don’t, I’m sometimes afraid I’ll get pulled down in the undertow. I know that I held onto the thought of him a little too long, and, while I do believe he told me the truth about what he wants from me, I know that it’s a truth that will never really happen. What Jerry said all those weeks ago when I was throwing things around my condo is true, sometimes people do things because they know they’re the right thing to do, not because they want to.

That said, I’m going to withdraw my invitation to O to spend my 2 week vacation with me in July. It was what we had planned two months ago, when he was going to start settling in and meet my family, when we were going to plot the rest out, and two nights ago, we were talking about whether or not it’s feasible now that his schedule is so crazy.

But I think I need to say nevermind. I want to move on, and I can’t do that if I’m planning on seeing him, if I’m talking to him every day, if I’m letting him still dissuade me from meeting someone else. It probably shouldn’t have taken me this long to get here, but with the rest of my life coming more and more into a happy place, it’s easier to see what the shit part is.

So that’s where I am today. As the days go by and I don’t see him and know I won’t see him for an indefinite amount of time, I realize that holding onto the pieces that we’re holding onto is a way of merely softening the blow. But I also know if it’s real, if it was real, it will happen. I just can’t hold onto any of it anymore.

Everything else is making me much happier now.

I”m sure you were all waiting for this one, but I figured I’d update on the whole O situation.

Basically, I’m realizing that all the reasons for us not being together - namely the ocean between us, both of us having careers that we are unable and unwilling to give up, and the idea that I was considering waiting for him for a year until he would be able to move to Pittsburgh, which was before it turned into we wouldn’t know how long since his company lost a few employees and gained two new customers in Asia and a design flaw was unleashed - are very real. My stupid romantic idea that love will conquer all… well, it’s a nice thought, but I’m not sure I believe that anymore and, as the days go by and I realize that life does go on without the promises of everything I was being offered, I realize that we made a good decision to stick with what we each have for the time being. He having his adventurous, lonely life on the road constantly working. Me having my life in Pittsburgh, most specifically my family and the job that I love.

I didn’t mention this before, in part because I was considering doing it and who knows what will happen between now and when my contact with UPMC is up, but I was invited to leave my life behind and just go. Several times over the past few months, actually, but most seriously during his last trip to Pittsburgh when we discussed that the best thing to do would be for me to meet him in England right after my brother’s wedding. True, it was probably one of those things that people say that they really don’t mean because even as we were looking on the internet to see how quickly I could get a passport, I knew in my heart that it was all in vain. That, yes, I do love him but that I would never be able to leave my family forever for a man who wouldn’t be willing to give me children or stability but would instead ask me to fly around the world with him.

Although it’s been awhile since I’ve gone to church, I still very much believe in Jesus and I have prayed a lot about all this, trying to get a sense of peace and a sign that what I am doing is the right thing. There’s a romantic in me somewhere telling me to drop everything and go, but there’s also a smarter, rational woman who knows that everything happens for a reason and that he showed up in my life when he did because that was the way it was supposed to happen. That he left like he did because that was the way it was supposed to happen.

I didn’t think I’d be capable of having real feelings for someone that went beyond the bar scene, beyond simply being a person to distract me from my life when I felt overwhelmed, but I realized that feelings will grow when they are most unlikely to and despite everything working against them. Maybe I was just supposed to learn how to see the world through rose colored glasses again.

I still hear from him every day. He’s in Brazil, he had beef stroganoff for dinner, got attacked by ants, and he’s listening to NPR before he goes to sleep every night. We’re working out a way to maintain a friendship for now, and it so far seems to be working. I’m not waiting, I’m not holding my breath, and if someone comes along who makes O look like a tit, well, I will take him in with open arms. There’s actually a new rather odd option that’s recently made itself known to me, so I’ll have to see how that plays out, but I am excited to be moving on to see what the next spin has in store for me.

I’m happy, I’m in a good place. The past month and my birthday night out showed me that I really do have everything I need to get through day to day, and that I’ll make it out of all of this in one piece.

But I’m working on getting a passport. Just in case.

I’m in this weird relationship limbo. Again, not going to get into the details of what was said and decided this weekend, but those that I did give details to have said that the whole thing is like a John Cusack romantic comedy, and the friend of mine who knew him and introduced us said “I believe in O. I do.” There were promises made, ones that I believe because my heart is telling me that I should and that little voice that I usually get in my head that I ignore, the one that whispers “You’re being a fool”, well, that voice is non-existant this time.

Technically, I’m single. If the world were like Facebook and you could explain your relationship status with other words, I’d choose “it’s complicated”, but the world isn’t the internets, so, I’m single. But it’s wasted on me. Last night, there was a mighty fine looking Italian man with beautiful blue eyes who was talking to me, and I didn’t care.

I figure that, no, I’m not waiting with baited breath for him to come back and for this to turn into a relationship that isn’t based on when we can coordinate time zones and work schedules and shitty internet connections. I’m not waiting for him. So, when I met the adorable 26 year old guy who just got out of the Army and he not only asked me for my number but also called me and then came to hang out with all of my friends before asking me out on a real date for Friday night, I had to try. I had to try to be interested. And I did try, I accepted his invitiation and responded to his texts yesterday and this afternoon… but I don’t think I’ll be able to go through with the date. I’m just not ready and it would be a rebound because, well, there’s other factors that are telling me that the Army guy would never end up being a real thing anyway.

So I’m not waiting for him. At this point, I’m accepting that he’s the tragic love affair of my life because he’s amazing and it’s amazing when we’re together but he’s in Brazil right now and I’m on my couch in Pittsburgh. It’s impractical, but love will overtake practicality if it’s meant to be. I guess I’m waiting for that.

My best friend who has told me she doesn’t think I should ever let him go gave me the best advice of anyone so far, which was this: Yes, you’re going to compare every man to him from now on. But eventually, you’ll meet someone who he can’t compare to.

I have to hold onto that.

I can’t defend my decision to spend most of the weekend with O, but I don’t regret it and I’d do it again.

There were a lot of things that were said. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of crying and I dare say some sobbing - from both sides.

No one knows what is happening and has happened between me and O except for me and O, and I’m not going to get into details about any decisions or conclusions we came to and the beautiful things that were said. But suffice it to say it’s not over. And it’s in a much more honest and realistic place now.

There’s love here. He found it.

And I can’t regret that. I won’t.