So I’ve been busy with work and my birthday and family stuff for the past week and I just last night was able to catch up on my sleep… I went to bed at 11 pm last night and slept straight through until 9 am this morning. I was pretty beat.

Tonight is my first night out in awhile and I’m heading to the South Side to watch the Pens game, where I am hoping to run into a drunk Juile Gong. We shall see how the night goes.

I have lost another pound, but then I gained it back so I’m right were I was. Which is the lightest I’ve been since 2003.

I bought a mattress! Yay! It arrives on Wednesday.

O… well, after I told him I didn’t want him to come here in July he sort of started being a dick and we argued pretty much every day last week. Then, Thursday night, I thought to myself ‘Why are you fucking fighting with him? Why are you spending your time and energy fighting with your ex-boyfriend who is in Brazil and who you don’t know if or when you will ever see again?’ So I said, Fuck it. Thursday night I stopped responding to his texts, but I’ve gotten a few every day from him “just to say hi”. I’m going to venture to say I’m probably going to respond tonight because beer will be involved, but I’m in a much better place mentally now than I was before… I don’t think I want him anymore. I keep remembering the guy who was all the wonderful things to me and forgetting the asshole he became and, even though the words he said when we said goodbye linger in my head and mean a lot to me… words aren’t enough. Not anymore.

In other news… I have some crazy rash. HOT. I got new soap for my birthday and used it on my face and promptly broke out in a red, bumpy rash. Thursday night I had to put icepacks on it at work because it was so sore and itchy — it’s allergies, not contagious so, yes, I was working — and I bought hydrocortisone cream yesterday morning. And then I salved it all over my face all day yesterday and all day today. It’s not red anymore and it doesn’t itch when it has the cream on it, but I’m sure that after I have one beer tonight, my whole face will light up like a Christmas tree. I may not be drinking much afterall.

A few random thoughts…

1. Is anyone familiar with Dibs? Those little bitesized ice cream snacks? Well, I saw the commercial in which they were compared to a big soft pretzel so I checked them out at the store and the amount of fat in those little Dibs is unreal! Stick with the pretzel. Throw the Dibs at someone.

2. I hate that everyone tries to make Tyra Banks into Jesus on America’s Next Top Model.

3. I cannot wait to see the Sex and the City movie. I might go see it alone on opening day. I’ve scoured the internet for spoilers. If anyone knows any, let me know.

Ltr.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been so busy with work or because I’m losing weight or because the past few weeks have shown me how many amazing people I have in my life, but today when O emailed and texted me… I really didn’t care. I know that sounds a bit weird since I wrote what I wrote yesterday, but I’m thinking about my life and all and realizing that, although I do care about him and miss him immensely, there is no real reason to maintain as close a relationship as we have been. There’s no need to IM or text every day, I don’t need to answer him when he’s texting me and he knows I’m out and wants to know who I’m with and if I’m going home alone, and I don’t need the thought that he’ll be back in order to make me sane anymore.

That has to be progress, right?

I’ve always been a little bipolar. It runs in my family and has caused some tragic things to happen, and I’ve known since I was 13 that I had it in me. My mom’s known for much longer than that. So, it is no shock to me that I have a hard time accepting change and dealing with heartache, and that I rationalize everything to try to make sense of my life because if I don’t, I’m sometimes afraid I’ll get pulled down in the undertow. I know that I held onto the thought of him a little too long, and, while I do believe he told me the truth about what he wants from me, I know that it’s a truth that will never really happen. What Jerry said all those weeks ago when I was throwing things around my condo is true, sometimes people do things because they know they’re the right thing to do, not because they want to.

That said, I’m going to withdraw my invitation to O to spend my 2 week vacation with me in July. It was what we had planned two months ago, when he was going to start settling in and meet my family, when we were going to plot the rest out, and two nights ago, we were talking about whether or not it’s feasible now that his schedule is so crazy.

But I think I need to say nevermind. I want to move on, and I can’t do that if I’m planning on seeing him, if I’m talking to him every day, if I’m letting him still dissuade me from meeting someone else. It probably shouldn’t have taken me this long to get here, but with the rest of my life coming more and more into a happy place, it’s easier to see what the shit part is.

So that’s where I am today. As the days go by and I don’t see him and know I won’t see him for an indefinite amount of time, I realize that holding onto the pieces that we’re holding onto is a way of merely softening the blow. But I also know if it’s real, if it was real, it will happen. I just can’t hold onto any of it anymore.

Everything else is making me much happier now.

I”m sure you were all waiting for this one, but I figured I’d update on the whole O situation.

Basically, I’m realizing that all the reasons for us not being together - namely the ocean between us, both of us having careers that we are unable and unwilling to give up, and the idea that I was considering waiting for him for a year until he would be able to move to Pittsburgh, which was before it turned into we wouldn’t know how long since his company lost a few employees and gained two new customers in Asia and a design flaw was unleashed - are very real. My stupid romantic idea that love will conquer all… well, it’s a nice thought, but I’m not sure I believe that anymore and, as the days go by and I realize that life does go on without the promises of everything I was being offered, I realize that we made a good decision to stick with what we each have for the time being. He having his adventurous, lonely life on the road constantly working. Me having my life in Pittsburgh, most specifically my family and the job that I love.

I didn’t mention this before, in part because I was considering doing it and who knows what will happen between now and when my contact with UPMC is up, but I was invited to leave my life behind and just go. Several times over the past few months, actually, but most seriously during his last trip to Pittsburgh when we discussed that the best thing to do would be for me to meet him in England right after my brother’s wedding. True, it was probably one of those things that people say that they really don’t mean because even as we were looking on the internet to see how quickly I could get a passport, I knew in my heart that it was all in vain. That, yes, I do love him but that I would never be able to leave my family forever for a man who wouldn’t be willing to give me children or stability but would instead ask me to fly around the world with him.

Although it’s been awhile since I’ve gone to church, I still very much believe in Jesus and I have prayed a lot about all this, trying to get a sense of peace and a sign that what I am doing is the right thing. There’s a romantic in me somewhere telling me to drop everything and go, but there’s also a smarter, rational woman who knows that everything happens for a reason and that he showed up in my life when he did because that was the way it was supposed to happen. That he left like he did because that was the way it was supposed to happen.

I didn’t think I’d be capable of having real feelings for someone that went beyond the bar scene, beyond simply being a person to distract me from my life when I felt overwhelmed, but I realized that feelings will grow when they are most unlikely to and despite everything working against them. Maybe I was just supposed to learn how to see the world through rose colored glasses again.

I still hear from him every day. He’s in Brazil, he had beef stroganoff for dinner, got attacked by ants, and he’s listening to NPR before he goes to sleep every night. We’re working out a way to maintain a friendship for now, and it so far seems to be working. I’m not waiting, I’m not holding my breath, and if someone comes along who makes O look like a tit, well, I will take him in with open arms. There’s actually a new rather odd option that’s recently made itself known to me, so I’ll have to see how that plays out, but I am excited to be moving on to see what the next spin has in store for me.

I’m happy, I’m in a good place. The past month and my birthday night out showed me that I really do have everything I need to get through day to day, and that I’ll make it out of all of this in one piece.

But I’m working on getting a passport. Just in case.

I am an odd breed because I like chilly weather and rain. I know, I’m weird. So, it was a wonderful thing to wake up on my birthday to a cold breeze and a mist of rain blowing through the window directly onto my face. I smiled as I turned over in bed and hold onto my Spongebob pillow - the softest pillow I’ve ever come into contact with in my whole life.

I decided to treat myself to a new shirt to wear out last night for my big old birthday celebration. I looked at Target because I was trying to stay on the cheap-o side, but I gave up and headed to Lane Bryant, the old standby.

Imagine my shock and awe when all of the shirts were too big for me.

I was lost. If I can’t shop at Lane Bryant, then I’m not sure where to go. I walked around the corner and saw the Gap. I know the heirarchy of the chain stores - Old Navy is below the Gap, which is below Banana Republic. I thought to myself, well, you fit in Old Navy and your bridesmaid dress is from the Banana… why the hell not try? So, I went into the Gap… and the clothes fit me.

This is a major milestone for a chubby girl. I know it seem dumb, but to be able to fit into clothes in a “normal” store, well, it’s a wonderful, amazing feeling. So, I bought a cute tee shirt and an awesome black sweater.

Then I went home and dyed my hair, chocolate brown again. Covered up all the red. As my hair was developing, I watched the finale of Sex and the City OnDemand. Then, I put on my new clothes and used my new make-up and went out to meet my friends and family.

Nothing too exciting happened, mostly just had a lot of fun and drank a lot. Shane took me to Wendy’s at midnight when the luster of the booze had started to get to me, and I spent the night on Mt Washington in the home of two of my besties.

It was actually a great day overall, but a little too much excitement considering Thursday and Friday were my only two nights off sandwiched between a stretch of 4 night shifts and then 3 night shifts, but I work one day out of 6 as of Tuesday, and I am looking forward to some time on my couch with a blanket and a good book.

28 is sucking the fun out of my already.

It’s been a few days, but things are pretty good at the moment.

I’ve been working a lot - 9 of the past 12 days actually - and am really looking forward to my next paycheck. Most of that will be Fro’s wedding gift, but I’d just like to see that big number deposited into my account.

My birthday was yesterday, which is why I didn’t make it to the Blogfest. My whole family plus most of my friends came out, and I really realized who I have in my life to catch me or pick me up if I need it. Big thanks to Lib, Shane, Mary, Rachel, Rob, Barbie, Mike, Fro, Jerry, Trish, and Nicole - you guys rock my world.

On the weight loss front… My Weight Watchers membership was canceled because when I lost my ATM card and I canceled it, I forgot to chose an alternate payment method, so my automatic debit stopped working and so, no more Weight Watchers. I’ve decided not to renew since I am doing fine on my own. So, my total weight loss, according to my bathroom scale, is … 16 lbs. Go, me! I’m hoping to be at my goal by December.

That’s all for now. Probably another late night work post later.